i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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