Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
