I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
