Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
