i would punch a child for taco bell
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
