At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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