6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
