I'm eating all of the evidence.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
