im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize