I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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