Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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