I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
