I showed him my bush... on skype.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
