i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
