mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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