Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
