If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Welp...herpes.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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