Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
