Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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