I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
