3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Randomize
