I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
