my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
