he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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