never play flip cup with pint glasses
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
