the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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