they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize