You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
