This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
