operation harelip BJ is a go
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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