I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
