Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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