the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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