Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
