I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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