Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
