Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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