I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
