Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
