I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
