you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
