I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
