Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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