allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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