why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I want to be your penis for a week.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
