Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
