Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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