So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
