My friends, they love my intelligence
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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