never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
