insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
