You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
