nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
