I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
