I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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