i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
