you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
