Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
