The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
