Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
